hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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