I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
