just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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