life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you win again, gameday.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
