just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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