my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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