Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I checked into jail on foursquare
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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