My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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