just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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