Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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