he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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