My friends, they love my intelligence
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
