According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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