Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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