I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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