Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize