I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
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