i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
