You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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