omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he fucked my hip out of place.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
