i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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