Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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