You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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