Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
