Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
