Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm sobbing to NWA
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