I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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