I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
