so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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