Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
sarcasm needs its own font
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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