he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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