I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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