You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
