My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
