why didn't you poke me back
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
