Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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