he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
