i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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