dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You can't just leave with hair like that
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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