im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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