I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
