I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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