she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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