im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
