is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
where does the pee come out of this thing
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Randomize
