I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
