So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
