she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
