She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
