thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
