Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
