im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
