the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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