im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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