If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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