capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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