That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
