Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Randomize
