im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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