This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
