I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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