i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
